What do you do if you know that someone you know is in a violent relationship? I wish I had the answer to that one but I don’t… not unless wishing that you were a multimillionaire so that you could get the person out of that environment counts. I am pretty sure that there are a few pretty straight forward rules:

1. If you’ve got nothing sensible to say, just shut up. Don’t come up with the oh-but-it-takes-two-hands-to clap analogy. No one asks to be abused, ever.

2. If the person being abused has trouble keeping in touch or otherwise seems erratic, bear in mind that it’s not about you; most perpetrators of abuse will do what they can to ensure that their victims are socially isolated. If you want to be a friend, it’s up to you to stick around.

3. Don’t mail them a checklist asking questions so that they can clarify in their own minds whether or not they’re being abused. Chances are that behind closed doors, minus an audience, they know. They may choose not to but that’s another matter.

4. Don’t insist on discussing it if they don’t want to. Tactfully let them know that you know and if they want to, they’ll follow it up. If they don’t, they won’t. Either way, it’s not your decision.

5. If you can help, by all means, help. Be very clear about what you are willing to do and make damn sure that you don’t go back on your word.

6. Don’t say things like, “I wish I could just take you to live at my place” — if that’s what you really wanted to do, that’s what you’d do. And whoever you say that to realises that too (especially in a country like India where you’d make space for your fifth cousin whom you don’t know from Adam without a second thought).

7. Be realistic. Don’t tell them that they should just walk out when you know that they’ve got nowhere to go. You’re just going to make them feel obliged to waste time and energy figuring out how to politely tell you that while they appreciate your concern, you’re an idiot.

8. Don’t be critical. Abuse, especially by someone whom they either do or think they should love, is confusing. And criticism is anyway what they get from the perpetrator. Respect their decisions and just, well, be nice. Don’t start conversations by telling them that the colour they’re wearing looks lousy on them; for all you know it could have taken them half the morning just to garner the will and the energy to get out of bed that day.

9. Help them sort out important documents and keep them in one place so that if need be, they can leave their home in 30 seconds flat. Or better still, offer to keep the documents with you. Clothes can be left behind. A passport cannot. And if you’re willing to, agree on some form of signal or codeword you can use in a telephone conversation which once you hear, will let you know that they need help to leave immediately.

10. Don’t treat the abuse as being anything but serious but don’t spend your time giving the victim stats on how many people die every day because of domestic violence.